I've discovered recently that I think way too much. If you ever see me spacing out, I'm probably deep in thought about something. Not necessarily something profound, more likely stressing about something I can't control or imagining a conversation that I wish I could have. Because I think so much, I tend to analyze things. To an extreme degree. In some ways this is beneficial. For instance, I will be so bold as to say that it may be easier for me to choose to abstain from actions that I know are wrong but might be fun. I think through the ramifications and decide in my heart not to do it. Especially in the public eye. Privately I may not follow through with this quite as much, but I would venture to say that I stand as strong as most if not more so, even when no one sees. This is not to my credit. It is only because I think things through so heavily. It's the way I'm wired. I can't help but see what possible damage my actions may cause. This is not to say that I'm perfect in this respect. Indeed, when I screw up, I do so spectacularly. I am only saying that I may have less of an inclination to dabble in certain activities from which others find it very difficult to abstain.

I realize that by saying this, I may sound extremely arrogant. Let this not be the case. Please see that this habit of mine, while possibly enabling me to refrain from many things, can also be extremely detrimental. For one, when I screw up, I find it immensely difficult to accept grace. I feel as though my sins are the worst in the world and that I am not worth the air I breathe. I go over the details of my folly countless times, so that even if only committed once, I feel a sinner a thousand times over. In addition, I worry about how I will be viewed when I do mess up. I am paralyzed by the idea that people might see through my facade of perfection and realize that I'm as prone to mistakes as anyone else. And because most of my mistakes are done out of the public eye, I would do almost anything to keep them that way. I am working through this and learning to let others see me, even in my moments of imperfection. But it is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. In a less spiritual way, I often overthink simple actions and miss opportunities. As a testimony to this, let's look at my love life. Nonexistent. For nearly 7 years. There was a girl a while back but it wasn't right. But it took me a long time to come to that conclusion. And there are girls right now that I would love to know better and see if anything could happen, but I see the possible reasons why the relationship will end before I have the chance to even say hello.

Now I've decided to try and find a happy medium. Though change is never easy, I would prefer the pain that accompanies it to the pain of staying where I am. I am in the midst of letting go of a lot of things which I think about to an unhealthy degree. This is no mean feat. While it is not healthy to dwell so heavily on any one thing, I find that I've let my mind become more accustomed to this habit than I ever realized. By denying myself of this, I am greatly pained. I know that I will appreciate my sacrifice in the end, but until then I still have to deal with the present reality. My heart hurts because I have always done this, and now I find myself much like a chain-smoker trying to quit cold turkey. Mood swings, substitute addictions, fatigue. I feel it. I feel myself wanting to quit more than anything else. Because even though I know that what I will gain will be far better than what I give up, I am comfortable with what I'm supposed to give up. I know it will slowly kill me spiritually and emotionally, that it isn't God's best for me, but it is familiar to me. Like a child with his security blanket, I don't want to give this up. I want to hold on tighter than ever. May God help me, change me, shape me, mold me, break me. I know He will never call me to do something that I'm not capable of doing. That He will never ask me to give anything up that He isn't ready and willing to replace with something a thousand times better. But may my actions match up with my beliefs. This is my prayer.

I am about to embark on one of the hardest tasks I will ever undertake. As a matter of fact, I've already started down this path. The next step is an uncomfortable conversation that has every particle of my being worried because all of my reason says that it will end badly. This conversation will inevitably lead to an even more uncomfortable, awkward conversation which could also very easily end badly. This may be the end of a friendship, though I hope and pray with everything inside of me that this is not the case. It will certainly not be my decision if that is the outcome. It could also be the start of something new. There could be freedom, deliverance, trust, healing. These are possible. And it is partially for these reasons that I must follow this path all the way. However, I can't help but see all the different ways this path could go, and cry out with everything inside of me to stop. To stand still. Or worse yet, turn around. That would be so much easier. But so much more dangerous. So much more deadly. And I won't do it. I've made a promise to myself that I won't make the easy decision simply because it's easier. I will make the tough choice, knowing that it is right. Knowing that I'm following God's will. I pray for strength to follow through. I pray that He has everything in control and won't let things end badly. Please Jesus.

Wow, I haven't been on here for over a month. That's pretty ridiculous. So much has happened. Coram Deo, Thoroughly Modern Millie, baby kittens, house-sitting, so stinking much that I can't begin to explain. Let me say that God is good, as always. He has done so many amazing things already this summer that I can't even begin to thank Him for. Umm, yeah, I think I'll expound a little bit. Coram Deo was amazing. My friend Jeremy came, committed himself to God, and got baptized. I'll preface this a little. Jeremy was one of my tutoring students this year. Well, I wasn't exactly expecting this, but he and I actually became friends over the year. He came to Pumpkin Bowl, and he and his friend Will helped us win. So that was awesome. But throughout the year, he would come to small group or CC occasionally. There were some moments of drama, but despite that he and I got pretty close, and I started to think of him as like my little brother. Well, anyways, he came on Coram Deo, and all credit goes to God for that because I could not have set up the circumstances more perfectly. The progression through the four days we were there is so funny to see, because after the first night I was extremely pissed at him and almost wanted him to go home. However, each day got better, and Friday night he went down to the altar and committed himself to actually living for God. Then on Saturday morning, we actually had baptisms on Coram Deo for like the first time in 4 years. Again, a total God thing. And I got to baptize him. An amazing experience for both of us, and God just proved himself so faithful because I can't count the number of times that I was in the RFA Sanctuary crying out to God that He would just touch Jeremy's heart. Yeah, Coram Deo was amazing, to say the least.